Red Sonja to offer stimulus plan

Rose McGowan will star as Red Sonja in a new movie to be released this year or next.

Scholars such as myself who specialize in the study of Barbarian Warrior Women are abuzz with this news. As some of you know, I am the chairman of The Institute for Cultural, Anthropological and Aesthetic Studies of Barbarian Warrior Women, and as such I have boundless enthusiasm for this important genre of art, literature, cinema and collectible action figures. We at the Institute are hoping that President Obama will give us a generous research grant as part of his economic stimulous package to really get the foundation off the ground.

Rose McGowan is a gorgeous actress who had an unfortunate association with Marilyn Manson that falls in the "What was she thinking?!" file, and we must not speak of it again. She is turning over a new cheek by donning a chainmail bikini. And really, what kind of world would it be if a lady can't get a fresh start by wearing a shiny new chainmail bikini? Bless her heart.

Thanks to the miracle of Netflix, I recently saw Rose's performance in Grindhouse, where her leg was eaten by zombies and she used an M-16 for a prosthesis. She demonstrated amazing flexibility and dexterity in this nuanced and layered performance, which doubtless will serve her well in swordplay scenes.

In Grindhouse, Rose was inexplicably coy and demure, an incongruous bit of modesty in a movie bursting with nauseating, over-the-top gore and grossness. The filmmakers obviously wanted to maintain some semblance of decency; after all the oozing, bulbous pustules and beheadings, the sight of Rose in immodest repose would have been offensive.

But compare Rose's shyness in Grindhouse to her scant trappings at an awards show where she was photographed on the red carpet with Marilyn Manson. (Dang it! Didn't I say not to speak of that again?) She wore a chainmail dress with lots of missing links in the caboose. This ample, public display of her healthy complexion gives me hope that Rose is at least willing to portray Sonja as equally daring in her fashion choices, and whoops, maybe she forgets her chainmail bikini in a scene where a sabertooth tiger surprises her. It could happen. This common scenario too often ended in tragedy, as archaeologists will tell you, but it would end differently for Sonja. A lack of metal lingerie wouldn't deter Red Sonja from winning a sabertooth catfight, that's for sure and certain.



Because, really, do you really think any self-respecting Barbarian Warrior Woman like Red Sonja would be consumed with notions of Victorian modesty? I think not. She has better things to do, like sharpening her sword and smiting her enemies.

This wardrobe issue is really a matter of historical credibility in cinema. Take, for example, the caveman movie genre: In the 1966 film One Million Years B.C., you knew right away when you saw Raquel Welch as Loana wearing an intricately crafted deerskin brassiere that she wasn't really a cavewoman, right?

But in Quest for Fire, cave people weren't concerned with modesty in the least. Rae Dawn Chong wore only dried mud, and that was for camouflage, not modesty. Which film was more believable? I, for one, prefer realism to suspend my disbelief while I am engrossed in a historical Barbarian Warrior Woman epic. Authenticity. Credibility. These are vital to the integrity of the genre.

Although the character of Red Sonja was created by Conan creator Robert E. Howard, her good name was tainted by an unfortunate 1985 film starring Brigitte Nielsen. The dreadful failure of that movie demonstrates the folly of trying to make a "kid-safe" Barbarian Warrior Woman film, sans nudity, sexuality or realistic violence. Barbarian Warrior Woman films properly should be rated R, with rampant gratuitous nudity and sexuality, intense action and dazzling swordplay. A decent story would be a crowning touch. I hope the new Red Sonja will be captured in the magnificent style of 300.



We at the Institute will be eagerly awaiting this film, which is sure to enrich and ennoble the venerable Barbarian Warrior Woman genre. It will certainly stimulate the economy, too.

Cheevos: Satisfaction for a job well done

By TeeBoan
Sythbane Squadron contributor

This is a follow-up to our beloved Fartknocckker's post concerning Achievements (cheevos).

I agree with him whole-heartedly. However, I would like to add to it.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who is admittedly hooked on cheevos. In talking with him, I discovered that he sits at a desk and “puts out fires” all day. I, on the other hand, work in the trades and have for twenty years now. When my day is over, I have a sense of accomplishment, because I can see what I have accomplished. This friend doesn’t experience this luxury.

I like cheevos because I get a sense of accomplishment from them, but I am reasonably assured that my friend gets a greater satisfaction out of cheevos because he rarely gets a sense of accomplishment from his daily work life.

Cheevos come in all types and sizes, and each game has its own philosophy in how it implements them. Call of Duty: World at War took me four or five weeks to get all 1,000 cheevos. That was work, hard work. Avatar: The Burning Earth gave me 1,000 cheevos in under a minute.

Each game has its own emotions that go with earning the cheevos. CoD:WaW obviously was the more difficult and returned a hard-earned “I did it” set of emotions. Avatar returned a different set of emotions that were exhilarating for only a few minutes.

Don't overlook the way cheevos are set up in each game, because they may be too easy or too hard. We have to pick and choose which ones we want to add to our ever-growing gamerscore.

At any time in the future, each Achievement can be browsed and remembered. Men are by nature very task-oriented, and we like our cheevos. Cheevos represent tasks. Whether you see little accomplishment at work or otherwise, or if you see tasks accomplished daily, achievements can provide satisfaction. Sometimes it's only a little satisfaction, but sometimes they bring great satisfaction.

Cheevos may be insignificant in life, but they nevertheless can give us a little bit of enjoyment and happiness.

Keep on Keepin’ on!

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TeeBoan feels a great sense of accomplishment every time he snuffs you in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Don't count out Dead Space

By Fartknocckker
Sythbane Squadron contributor

Back in October, EA released Dead Space. If you were too busy with any of the other superb titles that were plentiful this holiday season and missed Dead Space, I strongly advise you to pick up this exceptional game.

Dead Space brings some cool features to the survival horror genre. There are no traditional meters, numbers or gauges on the corners of the screen or pause menus. All HUD functions are projected from your rig (suit) in real time about a foot in front of your character. This handles your inventory, objectives, logs and a 3-D map that can be tumbled in any direction.

Your health bar is a luminescent, segmented vertical tube on the back of your rig that follows your spine. Ammo is counted on the weapons themselves, although most of them are actually mining tools that cut or displace.

That is another unique aspect to this third-person shooter. Head shots won’t get you anywhere. You have to take off the limbs of the necromorphs to kill them. To aid your aiming, a stasis device is provided to slow down enemies. Telekinesis is also used to pick up objects to shoot at your enemies to conserve ammo.

The locater system which is similar to the “breadcrumb trail” in Fable 2 is very convenient to steer you in the right direction. Click the right stick, and a thin blue laser is projected from your palm to the ground.

Sections with zero-gravity and segments with no atmosphere (aka space) do not break the action and bring continuity to the theme and story.

The story of Dead Space is very well written. The voice acting stands out. The controls are tight. The visuals are some of the best I’ve seen in the past several years and the sound design is superb. This game has a very high production value and the positives far outweigh the negatives. I commend EA on their efforts.

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Fartknocckker, a veteran gamer and a veteran veteran, was never scared of the necromorphs. They were scared of him.

New Call of Duty: World at War maps

At last, some new hunting grounds for Call of Duty: World at War are on the way. Activision said today that Call of Duty: World at War Map Pack 1 will be available for download sometime in March.

Check out the details on each map that I posted here on Techcetera.

(Yes, I admit, I'm nudging my friends who read these personal notes on Sythbane Squadron to please look at my "official" reviews and essays on Techcetera, too, because that blog is for my workplace. The more hits Techcetera gets, the more job security I have! Many thanks to those of you who read it. A feed from Techcetera showing my reviews -- along with those by Arc Dream, ANT Pogo and jRySix -- is posted in the right column here.)

I apologize for neglecting Sythbane Squadron for a couple of weeks lately. A friend from my childhood passed away last week and I've been a bit addled. I'll post a more detailed note later as a salute to my friend Dusty.

I also have another post from our friend Fartknocckker in store for you, so stay tuned!

In the Lion's eye

I've been quoted! I feel like Steve Martin in "The Jerk" when he found his name in the phonebook.

The Fable II developer blog on the Lionhead Studios site has highlighted my review of the Knothole Island expansion. They even quoted my recommendation. It's exciting to know that the feedback in my reviews is actually making its way back to the source!

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Squadron Notes

I appreciate all the interest in Sythbane Squadron lately, and I'll try to step up the posting.

D man has suggested a Sythbane Squadron clan tag for games where some of us might want to band together: SB-S.

Thanks to Bama Breeze for posting thoughtful comments on my reviews on Techcetera and here on Sythbane Squadron. I urge everyone to read her comment for insight on what it's like to be a female gamer.

I appreciate our resident achievement ace Fartknocckker's contributions to the blog. I've enjoyed some recent correspondence with TeeBoan about gaming issues, and I look forward to more discussions with him.

Are you folks following "Battlestar Galactica" lately? It's sure getting interesting.

Sythbane Squadron gets reinforcements

My circle of friends on Xbox Live continues to grow. I'd be proud to call these friends "wingmen" as the new members of Sythbane Squadron, if they want to join the formation.

The common thread among my friends in Sythbane Squadron is that we prefer polite, fun banter on Xbox Live, even while we're killing each other. You might hear any of us utter an expletive now and then in surprise or dismay, but you won't hear us using hateful, bigoted or insulting trash talk. We pride ourselves on good sportsmanship and helping to make Xbox Live a happy community.

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D man 4270 is a friend of Fortiscule. Fort and I were happy to assist recently when d man got his Xbox connected to Live and went online. Watch out if you face him in SoulCalibur IV, because he packs a mean roundhouse kick.

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You'll do well to give Bama Breeze the respect the lady deserves. I suspect this homegirl calls herself "Breeze" because after she shoots you full of holes, the wind blows right through you!

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TeeBoan is a good sport and a gentleman. A good-humored shooter, he is a longtime member of the Ogreatti, the band of buddies who rally around Big Daddy Ogre and identify themselves with "Mr." as their clan tag.

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Speaking of clan tags -- I've racked my brain trying to come up with a good clan tag to represent Sythbane Squadron. I came up with "squadron" for the blog name because it suggests teamwork and camaraderie, flying and fighting together, and patriotism. The problem is that abbreviating Sythbane Squadron yields "SS," and I'll be damned if I put those letters in front of my name and let anyone mistakenly associate me the Waffen SS or neo-Nazis, whose notions are evil and abhorrent. As Doc Holiday said in "Wyatt Earp," I disapprove of their very existence.

Do any of you Sythbane Squadron mates have proposals for a clan tag that would fit in the four- or five-character limit for clan tag fields and signify us appropriately? Please post your ideas in a comment or e-mail them to me.

Glitches, Updates and Forums

By Fartknocckker
Sythbane Squadron contributor

We all have played a game and thought some aspect was not right. Your character or an enemy gets stuck in a wall. Checkpoints are not saving your progress correctly. The items you collect aren't being counted. Or, maybe you pull off a feat in the game that you're not supposed to be able to. Gamers call such problems "glitches."

There are several types of glitches, but technically a glitch is a problem in the game's code in which the inputs of a circuit change, and the result is a random value not originally programmed.

Intentional glitching results from hackers manipulating code. A perfect example is the recent hack in Left 4 Dead in which a player could spawn weapons at will or make maps small and people huge.

Another type of glitch is simply bad programming that causes poor collision detection or game freezing.

We take for granted now that consoles can download updates to fix the glitches and even add new content. But in decades prior to 2000, if your console had a problem, you just had to deal with it.

How do developers learn what the problems are, so they can deal with it instead of you? Forums. They are a very effective tool for developers to use to identify problems with their games, because the information comes directly from players who suffer these problems first-hand.

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 has an achievement for completing the game on the hardest difficulty. I did it three times and still failed to unlock the achievement. I posted this problem on the Ubisoft forum and soon realized that other players had reported the same difficulty. Six weeks later, there was an update. I started the game from the beginning, made it to the third checkpoint on the first level and the achievement popped. It took a little time, but the problem was fixed -- thanks in large part to the forum.

Epic Games recently announced it will release a major update for Gears of War 2. This update will mostly address online exploits and issues, most notably client side hit detection on the shotgun in high-latency matches. That means that if you're playing in an online match and you are not the host (client side) and the connection is laggy (high latency), your shells will be more likely to hit your target. That makes me very happy, because I was getting tired of pumping rounds from the shotgun into an ugly Horde head only to have that player turn and take me down in one shot. Some of the issues in this Gears 2 update are a direct result of posts on their forum.

So if you are unhappy with a game, know that you have a voice in the forums. Support the forums with posts of things you would like to see fixed or improved. It works!

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Sythbane Squadron contributor Fartknocckker is a longtime Xbox Live friend and ally of Sythbane. Fartknocckker is also an ace at shooters who will kill you and then politely salute you with an easygoing Southern gentility.